My mother is in prison because of me and I may kill myself soon?

I'm not sure if I'm violating the rules of this website so forgive me if I'm giving too much information but I'm really at the end of my rope. I'm 17 and currently my mother is in prison and will be there for the next 5 years (62 months to be exact). She went to prison two years ago and it all because of me. My dad died when I was 3 and my mother started dating her boyfriend, who is now dead, when I was 6. My mom had a really rough childhood and felt as though my dad was the only person that ever cared about her so after he died, she became very guarded and needy. I always felt she put her boyfriend before me. He would tell her lies about me about things I did that never happened and would believe him. She would totally cancel plans with me to be with him any day. I felt as though she loved him more than me. When I was 8, he started molesting me. I felt so scared and ashamed. I never told her because he would threaten to hurt me and said she wouldn't believe me and honestly at the time, I believed him. He was very emotionally abusive to me in private but when she was around, he was super nice so she never understood why I hated him. My mom worked out of town a lot so he often watched me and it was hell. I was 14 the first time he raped me. He also started beating me but I was terrified he would kill me so I kept it secret a year until one day in school I had a nervous breakdown and my principal made me go to my school counseling every day for a month. After 2 weeks, I finally broke down and told her I didn't want to go home because he hurts me. She called my mom to come to the school because they wouldn't allow me to leave. I had to tell her everything. When I told her, she didn't even blink. I started crying and she smiled and said everything will be fine. Its was like she didn't care. I told her to go to hell because I knew she didn't believe me and she said I was being dramatic and that I should just stay at school. My counselor said that she must have lost her mind and tried to stop her from leaving but she left. He was coming from out of town business trip and she said she had to pick him up and cook him dinner. I was crushed. She was choosing him over me again. My counselor took pity on me and took me to her house for the night and called the police when we got there, but that's where the shock came in. My mom had been arrested for murder. I thought it was a joke or a bad dream but it wasn't. She really did it. She killed him. I was in a daze after that. I couldn't communicate with her for 2 months. I desperately wanted to know what happened and why she snapped. She cut a deal with the police and plead guilty to voluntary manslaughter and got sentenced to 86 months (a little over 7 years). I finally got to speak with her before her sentencing hearing in jail and I asked her what happened and she told me she picked him up, got dinner started, they laughed and talked and she asked him if he ever did anything to me. He denied it, but she knew he was lying and then she got her gun and shot him. I never knew how much she loved me until that. She had never did or said anything to show me that she cared. Its been 2 years and I hate myself. She's recently been admitted to the infirmary with a stab wound and I hate myself. Its weird, I don't see her often but I've never been closer to her. I just to die. She wouldn't be there if it wasn't for me. She's in hell and it was all to protect me. I feel so empty and I can't handle the pain anymore. I mean, how do people deal with s*** like this?